For all readers that do not do well with discussions on bodily functions or all readers that are my mother and think that I should not discuss peeing in a public forum...look away.
Pregnancy is a beautiful, magical, and sometimes disturbing thing. At least for me. I do not know if I feel this way because I had to very quickly process this pregnancy due to Larry's stealth ninja moves or if I would feel this way regardless. Having wanted to be a mom forever, I have had many thoughts of how this would be and had many conversations of how other women's pregnancies have gone - and here is the thing no one told me and I never thought about:
Pregnant women (at least this one) spend a significant amount of time and attention...in the bathroom.
Thinking about being pregnant, I never thought about the setting being in the bathroom. I thought about nurseries and cute preggo dresses with big bellies and even living on the couch like a cranky beached whale. (That last one did come true, by the way) But no one prepared me for the amount of brain power I would spend thinking about the bathroom or about the quickest way to get to the bathroom or the plotting of a schedule and a route to the nearest bathroom during any outing. But rising above all of this are the two biggest bathroom issues that no one ever discussed with me, that I am now sharing as a public service announcement. Also, because Lola told me it was very funny when I was lamenting to her about it.
Lament Number One: The unproductive pee
I don't mind so much that I have to pee fifty times a day. I have even gotten used to rolling out of bed, still mostly asleep, to pee and then sleepwalking back to bed every night. But for the love of all that is holy - if I am going to go to all that effort...there should be a satisfying end result. A good, solid, bladder-emptying pee. Not so. I cannot count the number of times I have felt an urgent need to pee, only to speedwalk to the nearest bathroom to trickle. And then on the walk back out, still felt like I needed to pee. In my brain, I see a devilish picture of my baby strategically poking into my bladder and laughing as I swear at the toilet after such an event. This is why I will torment him with green beans and educational tv.
Lament Number Two: Hemorrhoids
Ok, not actual hemorrhoids. At least not yet. Just the fear of them. This I blame on baby books. Being a self-proclaimed geek and book worm, you must know that I have read at least three and maybe seven books on pregnancy by now. And I have left all of this research with two fears; tearing (understandable) and hemorrhoids. Every book warns of these evil things that every one sorta knows about but doesn't really until a prego book spells it out. I am going to get WHAT? WHERE? And these same helpful books caution against pushing too hard while in the bathroom or it seems that they will spontaneous pop out these little evil spots of pain. So now every single time I am in the bathroom I am weighing the strength of my bowels. What is the perfect balance of pressure that gets everything out that is supposed to be but saves me from the horrors of hemorrhoids? If I lean over to one side and then the other will everything just slide out without effort? Should I just stop eating solid foods and make all my meals into blender meals to avoid this? All these thoughts have crossed my mind in the last month. Hemorrhoids? No. way. I am going to will it not to happen. I may even include it in nightly prayer. Dear God, thank you for all my blessings, please watch out for my family, and please do not let me develop disgusting, painful, itchy bumps on my ass. Thank you.
And you're welcome.