Wednesday, July 4, 2012

No Pain, No Gain~

I was recently discussing the idea of pregnancy and exercise with a man of my acquaintance. To protect this man from certain death at the hands of all women who have been pregnant, are pregnant, or wish to be pregnant in the future; I will leave him nameless, even alias-less.

I have not exercised a great deal since finding out I was pregnant. I did exercise somewhat haphazardly before finding out I was pregnant, back when my boobs still outdid my belly. I didn't stop working out simply because I found out I was pregnant. I stopped working out because my belly started growing and I discovered that there are ligaments that run from the bottom of my ribs to a region around the inside of my pelvis. If you are visualizing this correctly then you will see that as my belly grows, these ligaments are either growing, too, or they are stretching. Either way - they hurt. They ache when I sit still or when I move slowly - and they yank on my nether regions every time I make an abrupt motion or move too quickly to either side. It is like some freak torture machine of nature that is built in to ensure I am always moving very carefully so that my baby doesn't get twisted up. I am hopeful that it will go away, or at least lessen, once my body realizes this belly is here to stay - but I am not getting my hopes up. discussing this with the male of my acquaintance, I was explaining that his suggestion of my using my elliptical machine was not valid because of this pulling. His response? No pain, no gain. And he said it with a straight face. After I harnessed my homicidal instinct and resisted going for his throat armed only with half bitten nails and blood lust, I thought about what a huge disconnect this issue is for males and females. No matter what, a man just cannot fully comprehend how this feels.

So naturally I have devised an experiment so that this male- and any others that believe I should just tough it out and start sweating on the elliptical - will need to do before they are allowed to say anything about pregnancy and exercising again. First he will need to assemble the following items: A cantaloupe, duct tape, and two large rubber bands. Duct tape that cantaloupe to his lower belly. Attach one end of each rubberband to the left and right side of the cantaloupe and then stretch them down and loop them around all the man parts. Feel the tug when you move? Good. Now hop on up there on the elliptical machine, my friend, and start exercising/whimpering/begging my forgiveness. What? Can't do it? It hurts? Sorry buddy. No pain, no gain.

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