No Pain, No Gain~

I was recently discussing the idea of pregnancy and exercise with a man of my acquaintance. To protect this man from certain death at the hands of all women who have been pregnant, are pregnant, or wish to be pregnant in the future; I will leave him nameless, even alias-less.

I have not exercised a great deal since finding out I was pregnant. I did exercise somewhat haphazardly before finding out I was pregnant, back when my boobs still outdid my belly. I didn't stop working out simply because I found out I was pregnant. I stopped working out because my belly started growing and I discovered that there are ligaments that run from the bottom of my ribs to a region around the inside of my pelvis. If you are visualizing this correctly then you will see that as my belly grows, these ligaments are either growing, too, or they are stretching. Either way - they hurt. They ache when I sit still or when I move slowly - and they yank on my nether regions every time I make an abrupt motion or move too quickly to either side. It is like some freak torture machine of nature that is built in to ensure I am always moving very carefully so that my baby doesn't get twisted up. I am hopeful that it will go away, or at least lessen, once my body realizes this belly is here to stay - but I am not getting my hopes up.

Anyway...in discussing this with the male of my acquaintance, I was explaining that his suggestion of my using my elliptical machine was not valid because of this pulling. His response? No pain, no gain. And he said it with a straight face. After I harnessed my homicidal instinct and resisted going for his throat armed only with half bitten nails and blood lust, I thought about what a huge disconnect this issue is for males and females. No matter what, a man just cannot fully comprehend how this feels.

So naturally I have devised an experiment so that this male- and any others that believe I should just tough it out and start sweating on the elliptical - will need to do before they are allowed to say anything about pregnancy and exercising again. First he will need to assemble the following items: A cantaloupe, duct tape, and two large rubber bands. Duct tape that cantaloupe to his lower belly. Attach one end of each rubberband to the left and right side of the cantaloupe and then stretch them down and loop them around all the man parts. Feel the tug when you move? Good. Now hop on up there on the elliptical machine, my friend, and start exercising/whimpering/begging my forgiveness. What? Can't do it? It hurts? Sorry buddy. No pain, no gain.

The Bathroom~

For all readers that do not do well with discussions on bodily functions or all readers that are my mother and think that I should not discuss peeing in a public forum...look away.

Pregnancy is a beautiful, magical, and sometimes disturbing thing. At least for me. I do not know if I feel this way because I had to very quickly process this pregnancy due to Larry's stealth ninja moves or if I would feel this way regardless. Having wanted to be a mom forever, I have had many thoughts of how this would be and had many conversations of how other women's pregnancies have gone - and here is the thing no one told me and I never thought about:

Pregnant women (at least this one) spend a significant amount of time and attention...in the bathroom.

Thinking about being pregnant, I never thought about the setting being in the bathroom. I thought about nurseries and cute preggo dresses with big bellies and even living on the couch like a cranky beached whale. (That last one did come true, by the way) But no one prepared me for the amount of brain power I would spend thinking about the bathroom or about the quickest way to get to the bathroom or the plotting of a schedule and a route to the nearest bathroom during any outing. But rising above all of this are the two biggest bathroom issues that no one ever discussed with me, that I am now sharing as a public service announcement. Also, because Lola told me it was very funny when I was lamenting to her about it.

Lament Number One: The unproductive pee

I don't mind so much that I have to pee fifty times a day. I have even gotten used to rolling out of bed, still mostly asleep, to pee and then sleepwalking back to bed every night. But for the love of all that is holy - if I am going to go to all that effort...there should be a satisfying end result. A good, solid, bladder-emptying pee. Not so. I cannot count the number of times I have felt an urgent need to pee, only to speedwalk to the nearest bathroom to trickle. And then on the walk back out, still felt like I needed to pee. In my brain, I see a devilish picture of my baby strategically poking into my bladder and laughing as I swear at the toilet after such an event. This is why I will torment him with green beans and educational tv.

Lament Number Two: Hemorrhoids

Ok, not actual hemorrhoids. At least not yet. Just the fear of them. This I blame on baby books. Being a self-proclaimed geek and book worm, you must know that I have read at least three and maybe seven books on pregnancy by now. And I have left all of this research with two fears; tearing (understandable) and hemorrhoids. Every book warns of these evil things that every one sorta knows about but doesn't really until a prego book spells it out. I am going to get WHAT? WHERE? And these same helpful books caution against pushing too hard while in the bathroom or it seems that they will spontaneous pop out these little evil spots of pain. So now every single time I am in the bathroom I am weighing the strength of my bowels. What is the perfect balance of pressure that gets everything out that is supposed to be but saves me from the horrors of hemorrhoids? If I lean over to one side and then the other will everything just slide out without effort? Should I just stop eating solid foods and make all my meals into blender meals to avoid this? All these thoughts have crossed my mind in the last month. Hemorrhoids? No. way. I am going to will it not to happen. I may even include it in nightly prayer. Dear God, thank you for all my blessings, please watch out for my family, and please do not let me develop disgusting, painful, itchy bumps on my ass. Thank you.

And you're welcome.

Story of Larry~

This woman is ....pregnant! Jack and I are super excited, super happy....and super surprised. Why? First, because I am pregnant at all. Second, because by the time we found out I was pregnant and went for our first ultrasound, I was 15 weeks along already. Yup, totally skipped knowing my entire first trimester. I still maintain this is not my fault - Larry is super stealthy. And...... I knew I was pregnant in February. KNEW IT. Was totally convinced. My period was late, I was nauseaus in the morning, I was exhausted. For about three weeks I was totally convinced I was pregnant. I told Lola (who is a medical professional by the way), I told Jack (who humored me by patting my belly and calling it Larry), I took a dozen pregnancy tests (all negative), and I had three weekends where I had ultrasounds (nothing). Then I got a mini period, Lola gave me new birth control, and I felt fine....so life continued on with Lola and Jack thinking I was being unnecessarily dramatic. One month later, no period - I call Lola, panicked, only for her to tell me to quit imagining things, that this new pill could do that, stop worrying. So I stopped worrying until I started peeing. Constantly. Several times in the middle of the night. On a whim when I was walking through the bathroom aisles at Meijer I grabbed a test, went home and took it....and you know how that turned out. We still didn't connect the dots with February - until we went in for that ultrasound expecting to see a peanut and instead Larry was waving hi to us with all ten fingers. Finding a fully formed baby in my belly one Saturday afternoon? Totally the most shocking thing that has ever happened to me. So now we are at eighteen weeks. My brain is still having a difficult time wrapping around the idea that a month ago I was in Chicago shopping for sexy clothes and today I don't fit into a single thing that I owned previously except for my scrubs and pajama pants. Life is suddenly very different. I would sleep and eat cheese pizza 24-7 if possible. (OK, maybe that pizza part isn't totally different) I hate pre-natal vitamins and was strangely excited to go in the shower one day and find my belly button off center. I am totally convinced that Jack is the best thing to happen to me and there is no one I would rather have by my side during this whole experience. He is always concerned about how I feel, rarely makes fun of me for not moving off the couch, and even got dressed one night to go out to get eggs to make me pepperoni bites. This is a grand new adventure that I hope I am awake enough to enjoy. And, as always, I will over-share all of it with you~

Huh?

Six year old boy:

"So now I am big and I can use the computer and dad can type this abc thing into the computer and I can play this game and it has all kinds of words and you have to spell them and add letters to make words and there is this dog...."

And at this point I am surprised, but proud that he is interested in learning games. My heavy reading influence must really be paying off if Boy wants to do spelling games more than motorbike racing. I am really making a difference, really instilling a love of reading....

"...And then if you miss a letter the dog starts bleeding and there is blood everywhere and the he DIES! It is so cool!"

Or maybe not.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Aspirations~

The setting: Speedy Q, watching gas pump

The characters: Our heroine, nine year old Girl, six year old boy

Girl: Wow, it is almost ten dollars already!

Heroine: Let me know when it gets to fifty - it is expensive to drive. You should plan to get a good job so you can drive someday.

Girl: Oh, I am! I am going to be a doctor...or a lawyer....or a vet....or a singer.....

Boy: I am going to work at the carwash.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Perfect Day 2.0~

I know that last fall I wrote a blog entry saying that I had a perfect day. Apparently, I was lying. My apologies. Today's fall day was perfect. Or maybe I am lucky and will have multiple perfect days. Also, apparently fall is a good time of year for me.

Today...

Jack and I went to church together, where all three of my baby nephews were present, and so I got to hold babies and put my hand on Jack's leg while recharging my faith batteries for the week.

Then we went to McDonalds (as is our weekly custom in my family) with said nephews and their parents.

Then we went home briefly where I researched a bit of football statistics to further my goal of domination over all men in my fantasy football league. Also, I won my match this week - so yeah me.

Then we met Popeye and Olive and my oldest nephew and went golfing on this gorgeous fall day. My nephew brought his own club and continued to prove to us how smart he is by driving a golf cart by himself. When we weren't looking.

Then Jack took me to dinner at Nino's in Bay City, where I had pizza made from scratch with real mozzarella cheese that was so good that I don't have words for it.

Then on the way home from dinner we stopped at a liquor store and Jack bought us a couple bottles of wine.

And now I am blogging for a brief moment while Jack watches the end of a movie that suckered him in while I was in the shower. I am going to finish this up and then cuddle up for the rest of the night. Absolutely perfect.

For My Father and All Skeptics~

This is dedicated to my dad, the coupon skeptic, who says to me everytime I bring up couponing:

"You are a sucker, they are just putting coupons out there to get you to buy things you don't need anyway and you fall for it every time."
This proclamation is accompanied by an eye roll usually and he walks away before I can state my case. Actually, this is typical of my relationship with my father who routinely issues proclamations about my life and walks away. Hmmmm...but I digress.. Coupons.

Here is my deal yesterday:

3 Boxes of Cocoa Puffs
1 Box of Lucky Charms
3 Bags of Steamfresh Veggies
7 Bags of Bugles Chips
8 Boxes of Totino Pizza Rolls

Grand Total: 11:43

That is almost 80% off retail value - and everything on the list is something we already buy. Now if my father ever reads my blog he will see that I am right - although he will still probably roll his eyes at the computer and walk away, I have the satisfaction of winning my way. Also, for those of you thinking that we feed the kids way too many Cocoa Puffs....no worries, those are mine.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

The Mouth Of Babes~

Background: Jack's six year old son is playing a dirt bike game online when a random gaming pop-up opens up advertising a game to kill Bin Ladin - complete with disgusting graphics. This leads to this question:

Boy: Dad, did they really cut off Osama's head?

Jack: (trying to skate over the question) Mmmmm....I don't
really know....

Boy: Oh. That must be why he wears a towel on his head.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Genius~

I chopped my hair off, about seven inches anyway. I did it for many reasons - mainly that I was bored and that I was too lazy to do more than pony tail it anymore. I am blessed/cursed with my father's insanely thick hair so when I reached the point of a half an hour blow dry time it was time to amputate. For the record, I loved it when the girl styled it and I still cannot yet dulicate it- so it is beautiful and hip and sexy in this picture but slightly less so right this minute. However, I shall prevail...eventually.

I was slightly concerned about Jack's reaction since on several occaisions he has voiced his approval of my long hair, but he has yet to tell me I am anything less than hot (with the exception of creating a rule about not wearing my unattractive, white tube socks to bed) so I was not seriously worried. Which turned out to be correct. Jack's reaction to my new hair? After saying he loved it, he told me our relationship was going to be so much more work now because he was going to have to fight other men to keep them away from me. Smartest. Man. Ever.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

Mistaken Identity~

So at the end of the school year Jack's nine year old daughter brings home a cup of dirt. Supposedly this cup of dirt contains a sunflower seed. Daughter forgets about this cup of dirt ten minutes after she excitedly tells us all about and runs away. Jack does not.

Being a good dad, Jack waters it every couple days til it sprouts. After a few weeks he transplants it into a little pot and the sprout now takes up residence on the front porch patio table- the same table where Jack and I sit frequently at night and have a conversation that goes something like this:

Me: I don't think that thing is going to flower.

Jack: Maybe it is a late bloomer.

Me: It looks like a weed.

Jack: No matter, I am going to continue to water it daily until, through sheer will and super dad powers, I transform it from a suspicious looking weed into a beautiful sunflower that my daughter grew from her own hands.

Ok, so he didn't say that last part - I inferred it from the look on his face. And the fact that he did continue to water it daily for the last three months, even though it has become glaringly obvious that this thing is not a flower.

Fastforward to present day where I have been walking around with a Kleenex box for the better part of two weeks because of allergies. We are sitting outside at the patio when Jack says, "Look! It flowered!" And indeed it had, except 'flowered' is the wrong word - what it actually was doing was 'seeding'. Daughter's pretty little sunflower is actually.....ragweed. Jack has been harboring and feeding my worst allergin all summer long, right outside the front door. Of course, by this time he has invested way too much time and energy into this devil plant - so even after I showed him identical photos proving it was ragweed.....he continues to water it. While I continue to sneeze. Don't be surprised if Monday while he is at work a huge jungle cat jumps on the porch and eats it - pot and all.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4